Christian Parenthood

Children, obey your parents, for it is right that you should. 'Honour your father and mother' is the first commandment with a promise attached, in the words: 'that it may be well with you and that you may live long in the land'. You fathers, again, must not goad your children to resentment, but give them the instruction, and the correction, which belong to a Christian upbringing.

This passage speaks of family relationships on two levels; how children should relate to parents, and how fathers (or, we should say, parents) should relate to children. And it is hardly surprising that the Bible should want to give us instruction in these things, for the experience of being children and parents are among the most universal of human experiences.

In the first phase of our lives, while we are children, father and mother - or someone standing in the place of father and mother if for some reason they cannot be there through our childhood - are central figures, each in his or her own way and also, for most of us, both together. Gradually they withdraw from our lives as we develop and attain more independence and our experiences begin to happen outside the privacy of the family.  The second phase of our life, however, is often characterised by the fact that we ourselves become a father, or a mother.  When during the last phase of life the urge towards going our own ways and the possibilities of doing so diminish, and we cast our eye back across the past to think about our preparation for life and our achievements, fatherhood and motherhood become again important, but now in a more contemplative way.  Perhaps, for example, as we see how our children relate to our grandchildren, and know that we dare not interfere.

And so, it is because childhood and parenthood are such universal experiences, that our passage speaks to us so meaningfully.  First, children are addressed: "Children, obey your parents, for it is right that you should".  That seems fairly fundamental, and yet I do not think that we should always expect the obedience of our children simply and without qualification.  Before unqualified obedience can be expected, the relationship must be right. I am sure that we can all imagine situations in which a parent might ask a child to do something that is harmful, or wrong, or even immoral.  If that happened, we would all be quick to protest on behalf of the child, and we would not only say that the child was right to disobey, but we would encourage it to disobey.

But human relationships are complicated, and not every demand laid upon a child by his or her parents is so clearly wrong as in cases where the demand involves the child in doing something which is immoral or illegal.  Sometimes the demands that parents lay upon their children can prevent the children from developing fully their personality and their human potential.  Or again, a demand that may be perfectly reasonable in the privacy of the family circle, can become horribly demeaning and humiliating when it is made publicly in front of our children's friends.

What I am getting at is this.  The demand that the Bible makes on children to obey their parents, to honour father and mother, also lays an obligation upon parents not to make unreasonable demands upon their children, not to make demands that inhibit the growth of personality and potential, and not to make demands that cause public shame or embarrassment.  And I suppose that is what the author of our passage is trying to say in his own way when he adds, "You fathers, again, must not goad your children to resentment, but give them the instruction, and the correction which belong to a Christian upbringing".

As I said earlier, the relationship has to be right. It’s a matter of balance, and balance is something that is notoriously difficult to achieve, especially in the hurly-burly of human relationships.  If, as parents, we expect obedience from our children, we have to attempt, so far as we can, to make sure that the demands we make of them are reasonable.  And our children are not easily deceived; they know very well where a demand is reasonable and where it is not.  Being human, just as we are, they are bound to test the rules, to see whether there are places where they can win an extra advantage.  But, if what we expect of them is reasonable, and can be seen by them to be reasonable, I think that they will usually find it easier to obey us.

That, in a sense, brings us to the last sentence of our passage where we are charged to give our children "the instruction, and the correction, which belong to a Christian upbringing".  It would take us much more time than we have available today to unpack the meaning of this phrase, particularly what it means to us as Christians in an early twenty first century context.  But let me say something about it very briefly.  As Christian parents we should be concerned that our children become aware of the difference between good and evil, and that they should receive a sound moral education at home, in the Church, and at school. At home and in Church, too, we should be concerned that our children come to know about God, and relate to Jesus Christ our Lord.

A Christian upbringing, however, demands more than that we tell our children about God and Jesus, it demands that we meet the needs of our children as those needs arise; that we recognise the spark of individuality in our own children, that we make space for them, and give them the freedom to develop their own ways; to develop their own ways of thinking, and their own patterns of speech and behaviour.

In this sense, parenthood is a risk, and being Christian parents involves us in taking a risk with our children.  But the ultimate and costly demand of providing our Children with a Christian upbringing is this, that they see Christ in us; that they learn of him in us, and that they respond to his love in the love, the understanding, and the sense of freedom and responsibility which they discover in us.

This is surely a high responsibility, and one which I am sure none of us would be vain enough to imagine we discharge fully or even adequately. Yet I am certain that it is something for which we must all, by God's grace, strive to attain.  Our children are the greatest and most glorious gift we have from God; through our relationship with them we are given the opportunity to enhance their life and experience or to limit it. God help all of us to do the best we possibly can for our children, and to do that by giving them a loving, caring environment in which to spend their childhood years.